Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
