I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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