fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
