dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I met the friendliest cop last night
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
