You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
