I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
