Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
