I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
