Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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