Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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