I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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