It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
