It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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