i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
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