You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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