We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize