I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
