why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
