I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
