I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
