I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
