Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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