my vag is so smooth its legendary
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We need a shit load of segways right now
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
