I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
