Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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