my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
