If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
