I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
