Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
