Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
