I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
