I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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