i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
