So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
