my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
