I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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