i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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