Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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