He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
