i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
