You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
