tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
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Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
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Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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