Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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