we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
