I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
