Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
