I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
