but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She's the barista slut.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
