I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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