she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
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Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
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As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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