I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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