I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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