Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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