I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
