I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize