Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
