while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Bring me that man meat
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
