ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
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Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
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After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.