you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
